withdrawal dreams

I made a joke about being addicted to air conditioning in an earlier post. Then I had some panic attacks and got an Rx for benzodiazepine and spent some time taking it. It wasn't a long time, and it wasn't a large dose. I was told not to take it everyday, but I did anyway, because I like not having a mental breakdown. Then I ran out. I'm lucky to have had the sort of uh, hippy experiences I have had; when you have to realize what you are experiencing is a chemical consequence and will eventually pass. Even with that experience, this has been a challenging time. The take home is that benzodiazepine should be a last resort strategy. I thought I was being clever and heading off the problem ahead of time by frequent dosage. In the future, the best method is probably to wait until the actual panic attack starts. Maybe something was lost in translation at the dr, but the consequence has been the classic sx, especially loss of concentration, bizarre ideation, and increased acuity of previous sx. I fucked up but at least it was early days, and at least it's basically manageable. Thanks to the homies for the last skate session, it's when I started to turn the corner.

Last night, I dreamt I was at the Hog Mountain house and all that was left was a concrete slab. I camped out there, apocalypse style. Through the trees that I still remember the shapes of against the starry sky, a black triangular UFO snapped up and was shining a sparkly red laser very very quickly across the ground, like the speed of a sku reader. In fact, it pretty much looked just like a giant scanner was in the sky. It got to me quicker than I expected and I curled up on the ground, trying to hide, utterly terrified. As it scanned over me, I realized that I wasn't anymore interesting than the trees or the rocks. Then I dreamed about lzyk. Waking up has been kind of traumatic lately.


I should add that the withdrawal experience is my own choice. Healthcare in Taiwan is cheap and readily available. All advice says to taper, but now that I'm so many days in, I'm thinking of just keeping it up til the next apmt. This might be a terrible idea. At least I can readily change my mind if need be.