Hot Nurses Rubbed KY Gel into my Chest Hair, Several Times

I spent the first part of my night on a gurney in the ER with my heart rate monitor beeping to remind everyone that I was still alive. It was an incessant and very loud reminder, but better than the alternative, I suppose. It reminded me of the time I was working in the ED at GMC and I told a patient it was ok to remove the finger sensor while he signed a consent for treatment. It wasn't, and the staff all freaked out and were running down the hall shouting at everyone about a code, as I walked out the door. Taiwanese leads aren't made to deal with my kind of chest hair, so these eventually worked their way lose when the hair overcame their glue. Noone ran over though. Then my chest hair got the KY gel conditioning treatment. Apparently, echocardiograms need an entire tube of lube, every two hours, I got another tube full rubbed into my chest by not entirely unattractive nurses. It was really cold though, and I'm sure they had never rubbed KY gel onto a gorilla before, but they kept straight faces. I winced from the cold.

If you ever keel over in Taipei, I recommend Chang Gung Memorial Hospital. It's a little but competent ED. It was cozy for a while. I got the update that I'd be getting labs back at 04:00, so I settled into reading Dune and time flew by. Until my favorite/least favorite kind of ED patient showed up. It took me the rest of the way back to the GMC days. He was partially restrained, because he either got swaysted and bumped his bumpkin, or got swaysted and mouthed off to someone who bumped his pumpkin for him. Eitherway, he was in a neckbrace and spent the next four hours laying on his back, rolling his eyes wildly. The man was squealing like a pig, moaning like a whale, gibbering like a bonobo, and cattering like a fucking maniac. He never stopped. I'm proud of myself that even with his slurred caterwauling, I could make out most of what he was saying. "I want to drink some waaaaaaaaaaaater," he would howl. "I need to PEEPEE! PEEPEE! I NEED TO PEEPEE!" he would cajole (just as funny in mandarin). "I want to leave! FUCK! FUCK YOU!" he would holler, as staff walked by and he saw them out of the corner of his eyes. He said a lot of dirty mud horses (which is like 'fuck your mother') and then tone shifted into Taiwanese before descending into some deeper layer of hell where he just squealed and screamed animal sounds. 

After a few hours of this, the staff rolled me around the corner, well, around several, and then I was so far away that I couldn't hear the bugger at all. I felt sorry for him. I wonder how all my old ED coworkers are doing. I only kept in touch with one, but he left years ago. 

The next stage of the night was spent reading more Dune (maybe the best book every) and trying to doze off. Every few minutes, someone else on the quiet hall would let rip the biggest, longest, wettest series of farts that I've ever heard. I've heard a lot of nasty sounding farts, but never so many, so frequently. I kept waiting on the smell to get to me, but they had tucked my gurney in the corner where the AC comes out, so I guess it saved me. The mud farts continued all night, all morning, and into the next afternoon. 

This whole time, I had a launchpad of tape and IV's in my arms, which made bending my elbows extremely unpleasant, but not actually painful. When I finally got discharged, I was as relieved to get the IV's out as I was to actually go home. 

The cost of this experience was roughly $75 USD. You probably can find a less pleasant hotel to sleep in for the same price. Taiwanese healthcare is astonishingly cheap. Too bad they don't pay the staff a decent wage. 

Anyway, now I feel totally fine and I have a black box with various leads glued onto my chest. I have to wear it for 24 hours, so that in case a plane crash, they can blame the pilot. 

On my way out, I had to check back through another clinic. During my exit examination, the nurse weighed me and said "because you jawline is so weak, you actually not as fat as you look." As I was digesting this, the doctor explained, "your heart is very soft," as he reviewed echocardiogram results. I must have looked puzzled, because then he said, "it is very young, like a new heart. You have a new heart, haha."

I wonder if I'm to have PTSD next time I skate at the bridge, or try to ** ***.