Got to Scrap the Shit Right Off Your Shoes

Thank you for your wine, California. 

In my new life, I wake up on a rooftop at 07:00 everyday. This isn't by choice. Maybe I'm sleeping better or maybe senility explains it. Either way, it's useful for work, because i'm no longer dragging myself across Taipei half asleep at 11:00 everyday. now I can wake up on my own and get to work at 8:00 and I feel as awake as when I used to show up at 14:00. Maybe it's because I have clean shoes. 

I'm not sure how to deal with waking up at 07:00 on rest days though. Normally, I work Saturday mornings now, but this being New Year's Weekend, my students didn't want to suffer through KK practice today (To Live and Skate In Taipei Top Tip: if you want your students to cancel the next class, load them up on phonics and grammar assignments the week before. They'll get the flu and not feel up to the next class. But don't do it for a straight month or they'll quit). 

This morning, I woke up to the roar and honk of millions of assholes on scooters, at 07:00. I casually got breakfast downstairs, casually got a coffee, and then I still had at least 16 hours to kill before I could sleep again. So I went skating. Weirdly, no one else wanted to skate at 08:00. By trial and error and random walks through the new hood, I've found the optimal route to the bridge. There are many things to consider; foremost is surface. On the way to the session, I don't want to fuck with rough asphalt or cracks or tiles or that kind of bullshit. I want blacktop as smooth as the clean, clear, crisp taste of Asahi beer (Asahi, give me free shit). The next consideration is distance, but I'd rather skate twice as far on smooth stuff than suffering through the roar of my wheels on an ancient road. Third up is traffic. Luckily, the alleys with the least traffic are also the most interesting to roll through. It's like a little side canyon of ugly buildings with beautiful flowers growing out of them, like gorgeous parasites. Lastly, I might forgo some of these considerations if there's a skate spot on the way, especially a lil guy that I can slappy while cruising, unwarmed up, and keep on going. 

Like an ant, I've been following the smell of my own path to and from the bridge for a couple of months, and I think I've found the route that ants would take, or a computer that was into machine learning. This includes a lil hill with those goddam square tiles that are the curse of Taipei. The cracks between each are so harsh, so you lose a lot of speed on them, and also they can unbalance you, so it's super hard to do flatground on them. only jesters do tricks on them. I looked down the hill, to read the pedestrians and dogs and lose tiles and cracks and went for it, clacking louder and clicking more and more frequently as I got the bottom and leaned in to go left. Across the street was a line of about 200 people, waiting to get into something at the art park. Because they were bored and in line and heard a very loud clickety clacking, they turned one to watch me roll down the hill. They weren't in the way, so I wasn't really paying attention, until I got the bottom and *******ed first try. They made a collective sound. I was extremely proud, but too insecure to acknowledge the crowd, so I kept pushing on, to the bridge. 

At the bridge, the trick fairy arrived and suddenly I could do better ** *****s and ** *****s than ever before. I skated a lot of flatground for a long time, with a crew of guys I've met but don't really know. Oscar Meyer was teaching a little kid how to skate and adc spent hours getting footage of a line. He was at full burner and didn't quit until sometime after I left. But I didn't leave until  I had developed a serious case of OLTS (One Last Trick Syndrome). I had to work for them, but I got each thing I wanted in reasonable time. So I would move on to the next, and I got caught up in the time travel vortex like in that movie where the farmer girl is an astronaut who goes back into her old room to meet her father who is trapped in the fifth dimension or something. Iowa got turned into an O'Neil cylinder or something, I can't remember.

Anyway, the point is that a crew of girl skate perps showed up and fucking tore the place apart. I don't think I'd ever seen them before. THey arrived in a crew and the crew skated from one end of the park to the other, about two or three arms' length apart. They charged like a pack of wolves and it was fucking glorious. I have a crush on their style. skating in close proximity to others is fucking awesome, in the old sense of the word. especially when five of them all do different tricks and roll away. One of htem was like a female Jamie Thomas, long hair flying as she bailed again and again off the tall bank, until she inevitably made it. Another of their crew got a ******** on the same bank, in quick succession. I left with the impression that they skate like this all time. I can only hope so. They laughed when one of htem missed a trick. THey laughed when one of them made a trick. They were like a burst of sunshine through the clouds. I hope they go skate street. They will make legitimately interesting footage. 

My loosely knit crew, such as it is (and that's the best kind. no one has matching tattoos or anything) is going out tonight, but i'll miss it because of my proclivity for waking up before dawn. Then again, maybe I'll show up and cruise to spots and watch, just so I can enjoy that refreshing, delicious taste of Asahi, which is never watered down and always satisfying: The Only True Beer of Taipei Skaters (sorry rmj, kirin upsets my gutworm).

Stepping Light

I haven't been skating for a cornucopia of reasons, rain being a big one, and as much as work as rain has been falling on my head lately. There is also the emotional element. Tonight was the weirdest of all. I picked up yet another box from lzyk's house and carried it across town in a suit, in the rain, listening to shuffle (as has become tradition). Of all those walks, this one was the easiest.

how I almost died by a bus

the Plaza at ximen was seething with a golden horde of skaters when I got there. Seriously, I think there might have been a hundred people skating there. One person was getting bj in the back, and one person was administering one, but I would have skated past without really noticing, had IS not pointed the situation out. The possibility remains that she was crying into his crotch. Anywya, we warmed up in the crowd and went to a few spots to the north. After a few false starts, we ended up going on the Old North Loop. I nearly got murdered by a bus. EIther that pos was the Schumacher of bus driving, or he just didnt' care if he killed me or not. The ministry of labour manny pad has been ruined and turned into a hotel lobby. On the way, IS was leading the team and tried to ***** into a sort of very narrow, low bank and caught the front truck on the upper and smashed himself. We walked and cruised and saw the warf and then went north north to the tall ledges, where he got a fast **-** *** out, and eventually we went ot the sewage plant, where he slammed again and then the Lil Lost Hubbas, which I ebentually found but we didn't really skate. Then it was a short jaunt back to the redline and he went north and I went south.

I saw lzyk in cardiology at chang gung. Sometimes the fruit is so bitter it will pick itself.

Trashy laowai

Taiwan is a country of very strict rules that everyone follows all the time. This is why I never deviate from the rules in anyway, especially when riding on a scooter. I also never deviate from the incredible pain in the ass rules about trash collection. Trash trucks drive around a few times an evening, and people who don't have trash service in their building have to carry their trashbags and recycling outside at the appointed time to give them to the trash collectors. If you're optimistic, it's a fun way to meet your neighbors. If you have a job, you will be at work when the truck comes singing its cute little trash song (the not Beethoven one is my favorite, but I don't know the tune), and there is no way in the wide world of sports that you can ever get your trash collected. It is illegal to throw away trash in the public trashcans (not all of Taiwan's rules make complete sense). As an upright and law abiding resident, I would never break this rule and put my trash in a public trashcan, like the opposite of a raccoon. I love rules, especially rules like that one.

Climbing back up on that horse

If the horse bucks you off, you gotta get back on it and show it you own it. I worked and explained to the kids why I'm wearing a car battery for a necklace, and then went ot meet MW and NG at the bridge. I had no idea what to expect. I'm not actually that morbid, but as I pushed for ten minutes to get there, I kept thinking about if my heart was going to explode in this session. obvisouly, it didn't. I didn't really skate well, but b-one was there and greeted me  and sawty has earned a whole new level of pop. He's at the point where he learns a new trick every night. We got excited doing tricks over the manhole cover in the back, and NG made some new friends back there too. I mostly stayed out of the main section, and kept my bpm down low. A tiny kindergartener was pushing around competently, and her brother was rolling down the banks. I didn't do anything new, or even remotely approach a normal session. Every skate is a good skate. I'm glad I went.

Blustery Walk to the North River

I got out of the hospital and didn't know what ot do with myself so I went for a walk. The black box that I had to wear was uncomfortable, well, the leads were, but it wasn't really that bad. I creeped on the line group and saw IS was skating at yuanshan, so I walked north to the top of the city. When I arrived, I found some new spots, included a black and yellow tall ledge that is about 20m. E and SC were too. I had on flipflops, so I didn't really skate, but I watched them and brought a few beers. Then IS and I beered up again and I eventually walked home. I wonder how scary it's going to be to skate again. Probably not, but you never know how good a bullfighter is til he's been gored. Ok, I wasn't gored, just blacked out, and not even because of a skate trick.

Hot Nurses Rubbed KY Gel into my Chest Hair, Several Times

I spent the first part of my night on a gurney in the ER with my heart rate monitor beeping to remind everyone that I was still alive. It was an incessant and very loud reminder, but better than the alternative, I suppose. It reminded me of the time I was working in the ED at GMC and I told a patient it was ok to remove the finger sensor while he signed a consent for treatment. It wasn't, and the staff all freaked out and were running down the hall shouting at everyone about a code, as I walked out the door. Taiwanese leads aren't made to deal with my kind of chest hair, so these eventually worked their way lose when the hair overcame their glue. Noone ran over though. Then my chest hair got the KY gel conditioning treatment. Apparently, echocardiograms need an entire tube of lube, every two hours, I got another tube full rubbed into my chest by not entirely unattractive nurses. It was really cold though, and I'm sure they had never rubbed KY gel onto a gorilla before, but they kept straight faces. I winced from the cold.

If you ever keel over in Taipei, I recommend Chang Gung Memorial Hospital. It's a little but competent ED. It was cozy for a while. I got the update that I'd be getting labs back at 04:00, so I settled into reading Dune and time flew by. Until my favorite/least favorite kind of ED patient showed up. It took me the rest of the way back to the GMC days. He was partially restrained, because he either got swaysted and bumped his bumpkin, or got swaysted and mouthed off to someone who bumped his pumpkin for him. Eitherway, he was in a neckbrace and spent the next four hours laying on his back, rolling his eyes wildly. The man was squealing like a pig, moaning like a whale, gibbering like a bonobo, and cattering like a fucking maniac. He never stopped. I'm proud of myself that even with his slurred caterwauling, I could make out most of what he was saying. "I want to drink some waaaaaaaaaaaater," he would howl. "I need to PEEPEE! PEEPEE! I NEED TO PEEPEE!" he would cajole (just as funny in mandarin). "I want to leave! FUCK! FUCK YOU!" he would holler, as staff walked by and he saw them out of the corner of his eyes. He said a lot of dirty mud horses (which is like 'fuck your mother') and then tone shifted into Taiwanese before descending into some deeper layer of hell where he just squealed and screamed animal sounds. 

After a few hours of this, the staff rolled me around the corner, well, around several, and then I was so far away that I couldn't hear the bugger at all. I felt sorry for him. I wonder how all my old ED coworkers are doing. I only kept in touch with one, but he left years ago. 

The next stage of the night was spent reading more Dune (maybe the best book every) and trying to doze off. Every few minutes, someone else on the quiet hall would let rip the biggest, longest, wettest series of farts that I've ever heard. I've heard a lot of nasty sounding farts, but never so many, so frequently. I kept waiting on the smell to get to me, but they had tucked my gurney in the corner where the AC comes out, so I guess it saved me. The mud farts continued all night, all morning, and into the next afternoon. 

This whole time, I had a launchpad of tape and IV's in my arms, which made bending my elbows extremely unpleasant, but not actually painful. When I finally got discharged, I was as relieved to get the IV's out as I was to actually go home. 

The cost of this experience was roughly $75 USD. You probably can find a less pleasant hotel to sleep in for the same price. Taiwanese healthcare is astonishingly cheap. Too bad they don't pay the staff a decent wage. 

Anyway, now I feel totally fine and I have a black box with various leads glued onto my chest. I have to wear it for 24 hours, so that in case a plane crash, they can blame the pilot. 

On my way out, I had to check back through another clinic. During my exit examination, the nurse weighed me and said "because you jawline is so weak, you actually not as fat as you look." As I was digesting this, the doctor explained, "your heart is very soft," as he reviewed echocardiogram results. I must have looked puzzled, because then he said, "it is very young, like a new heart. You have a new heart, haha."

I wonder if I'm to have PTSD next time I skate at the bridge, or try to ** ***.

How I Almost Died on a ** ***.

it was rave night at the bridge. I was all shaky but I went anyway.. It was wet. I didn't feel good, hard to say how. I just did. I warmed up and did ***s because I want to get better at popping them. As I twisted and landed a low one, my heart started going crazy and my vision faded out. I stumbled a couple of steps to my bag and sat down. I couldn't get my breath for about twenty minutes, and my heart was still pounding. At this point, I should have called an ambulance, well, long before that point. Instead, for reasons that I cant explain, I walked home, resting several times on the way, because my heart was pounding and I still couldn't breathe. Bizarrely, I showered off, packed a night bag with charger, headphones, and book, and took a taxi to the ER. As I pulled up, something in my chest snapped, like a breaking rubber band, and I started to feel normal again. Total elapse time was about 70 minutes. Now I'm sitting in oberservation. Might be here for a while.

happy birthday, but im still confused regarding whose birthday it is.

this is gonna be a clusterfuck of  a post, sorry about that. It started yesterday mornign when I worked and then went home and took a nap until my phone buzzed, because i forgot about the corporate event. i arrived an hour late. i brought home a lot of free chicken. the streets were dry to i went to the bridge for the last 30 min, but it was wet when it ended.

I went home dejected.

rmj hit me up a few hours later, and long story short, a whole crew of skaters came over to drink beer at the hobo stoop by main station. an actual hobo wanted to try skating, in traditional taiwanese blue flip flops. he was at least 50, and wasted on something that wasnt etoh. everyone eventually wandered off, but fa adn i talked until sunup. there was a lot else to say about hte night, but i'm not sober enough to report it all.

when life is bad, there is nothing more encouraging than crossing the street a half dozen skaters stooped up in front of the fami, waiting for you.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=myJDBos5Vyw

and if you save yourself, you will make her happy

I was still 1,000 miles away while standing in front of your face.

I dance when I walk when I'm drunk. It was a 14 hour day, so I got drunk. I walk slow when I'm drunk, especially when I go for a walk on the sidewalk at night. It was pissing rain and I danced to pretty primping first. I slammed an asahi and went for some dancing to Mystical, who is fucking underrated. Then some Hand Of Doom, of whose beat is sickest, and then some AC/DC merited some banging of the head and then Mr. Gnome, which is the best band you've never heard of. Then I went back up and drank another asahi in the spitting rain and sappy came on, which is the best nirvana song, except that one that I cant remember the name of.

upstairs, smashed my pinky between my knee and the desk.

skate tutor

Things are back in order,  but the ********s were a lot less magic. Maybe it was having worked for 11 hours before hand. The bridge was just right, like baby bear's porridge. About a dozen universally friends were there, including mw and dthep and a Taipei og who I guess i'll name sanchongc (tradition forbids a nickname the first time I meet people but since I know so much about this guy, I ll forgo such formalities). 

I went because a language exchange friend had a skateboard in her picture. She'll have to wait to get a name though, but I expect her to. The brothersczech were also there (not actual brothers but they might be the best skaters I've ever seen in person). They skated as expect, and have been adopted fully into skate society by us natives. it doesn't hurt that inaddition to ripping around with the least effort, they re also both genuinely friendly guys. 

I tried to teach the new girl how to push and turn in the back. She tried to teach me some new words. 

It was a low key session, marked by the ripping of my favorite pair of camo skate shorts. I feel naked skating with no camo on. At least I still have my black hoody. 

Out of Order. I didn't have the heart to skate.

I went home to tell my momma I love her. After work the street was blocked with paving machines.

My grandfather was dying, so I went back to the US. I got lucky and got a good, new job and a good, new place ot live right before hand. For whatever reason, my job likes me, so they didn't even give me much shit about it. The flight was fucking horrorshow. I had a 9 hour layover in soeul, which is apparently the bets party city in the world these days, but it was 0 degrees and I chose to stay at Incheon overnight. to be honest, Incheon is maybe the best airport in which to be stuck. the lounge was comfortable and clean and there were even free showers. Korea was the last time I would visit civilization for a week.

My seat mate was 200+ kg and overflowed on me for the entire 15 hour flight. He was like an American shrek. I hate him. His hot, sweaty blubber grinded and flopped on me the whole time.

My dad picked me up at the airport. a lot is changing . construction is booming there. I had lunch with beth and sass and parents at mcrays. I had nachos. real nachos. I sent a video to lzyk, not explicitely to be cruel, but I guess it was still a dick move. I don't know why I did it. because I wish she was her old self and I wish were back to how they used to be between us.

I slept, and woke up at noon, Taipei time. I walked to waffle house, through the quiet, crisp cold of a ga November night. I saw a couple of cars. the waffle house dude was the angrist, most resentful little man I have ever met. his coworker, the cook, was a little more polite. it was awkward to observe their interaction, like they had just had a huge fight. I had an allstar breakfast, then I walked home.

I went to my grandfather's, and I drove him to physio. I slept through judy's supper and woke up at 3:00. I started reading brave new world that I stole from Jeff Darnall's class in 11th grade. damn that guy could teach. I wish I were like him.

It's so quiet in my grandfather's house that it's like the end scene of 2001. It must be so lonely here when no one is around. I feel awful for him. I can hear my own heartbeat in here.

Death conditioning.

Old people have dirty dishes.

The plane on the way back was like a weird big living room with hundreds of people in it. each one had their own tv.

Ive learned the shiining building lights of Taipei like constellations. it's good to be back on my home planet.

A Return to the Good Life

Life changes and a dead computer meant that I couldn't post anything for a while. I didn't skate in a month, because it was a month of mourning, and traditionally in Taiwan, when you're getting divorced, you have to wait a month to skate again because of juju. I skated again and motherfucking goddam, I got a series of the best, cleanest, popped, caught and bolted (oxford comma, @rmj) ******** of my life. This all happened at the bridge, which is where all Taipei skaters are respawned. Other homies, and many many many other skaters were there. It would have been annoyingly crowded, but I hadn't stood on a skateboard since I got kicked out of my house, and the skate from my new house felt gloriously joyful. It's not that far to the bridge, only a station or two, and the roads and sidewalks are mostly backalleys, with pleasant little clicks and giggling little clacks across the tiles, and small ollies over the man hole covers and metal rectangles, one of which I did into a crowd of people because I'm an asshole. they parted and I kept going. As mentioned, I could suddenly ********* higher and faster and cleaner than ever before, with no explanation why. Maybe I just lost the fear, or maybe I just expected to be able to land it everytime because I hadn't failed to land it for a month. At anyrate, if this goes down as my best ******** night, I can die happy.

RMJ and I skated spots to the north after, and he got a few lil tricks, especially after we got booted from the fountain ledge spot and ended up at this curved ledge/curved benches place, with a long coupel of stairs and a rail that is possible to get on from a low vantage point. Pedestrians filmed us for a while, then we went to the old hood, and grabbed some beers at seven. Buzzed, I kept landing good ********s. How the fuck does this happen? it's like my body was practicing this trick while I wasn't skating. Maybe I was sleep walking. It's a cosmic mystery.

Anyway, we talked about overthrowing the establishment, and cruised down towards the general area of my new hood. We stacked up a back of beers and took them to the Roof Stoop, which, I don't mean to toot my own horn, is the best roof stoop in all of Taiwan, hence, in the world. We watched the moon drift across the sky (I cant believe that's a real thing) and drank all the beers and spit off the sixth floor onto the street below and listend to jungle and cb7th.

It's time to get back into skating.