Why You Shouldn't Trip Balls on Buses in Taiwan

Actually, I guess that title is misleading. I don't know that anything bad actually happened. But Taiwanese buses suck.

Lzyk has a conference this week in the third most dangerous city in the U.S. She flew out tonight. It felt like sending her to a warzone. I should mention that she at least gets her pockets picked every time she travels, but usually they only get phones, cash and her passport. To make it a more anxious bus ride to the airport, the Taiwanese style of management is to throw your subordinates under the bus if anything goes wrong, and things have been going wrong. So I'll be happy to see her back in one piece.

We boarded the bus at mainstation and I always have a sinking feeling in my stomach when I go through that area on a bus and it's not raining. In the immortal words of RMJ, it is a true hotbed of skate spots. The main plaza is probably the best, but away from that, it's a square km of very crowded skatepark.  Being a gentleman, I didn't complain to Lzyk that I wasn't skating. Also, I didn't complain that we lost our tandem seats on the bus because the bus driver was screaming "ㄊㄚ  ㄇㄧ  ㄋㄠ  
ㄨㄢ! ㄊㄚ ㄇㄧ  ㄋㄠ   ㄨㄢ!  ㄊㄚ   ㄇㄧ  ㄋㄠ   ㄨㄢ!" at me, and thinking he was screaming something in Mandarin that I couldn't make out, I went to get Lzyk to translate, but it turns out he was just trying to make sure which terminal I wanted to go to. Consequently, we lost our seats and I had to sit next to a German long hair. 

He seemed a little vacant at first, and then much more so after a couple of more minutes. I gave the laowai nod, that is the secret handshake of the expatriate in Taiwan, but he didn't acknowledge it. That's fine, I have no problem with tourists. Taiwan should be at the top of everyone's list; after all, the only other civilized countries in the world are Japan and Korea. 

Not everyone who looks like they're translated at least one Phish song into German is friendly, but this guy seemed a little unfriendly. He was looking out the window like he was about to pass out, and I zoned out little too. I was thinking about footplacement on a trick that has been frustrating me, staring at the huge steel beam underbelly of the  roadway above us, and suddenly he turned and shouted, "IS THIS THE BUS TO THE AIRPORT?" He still seemed groggy though, like he was more concerned that maybe he wasn't going to say it loud enough, and I might not hear. I told him yes, and tried to remember more than just German curse words, but failed. His eyes were dilated like the part of a woman's anatomy that babies come out of, and frankly, those eyes had the sort of look in them suggesting that he believed babies actually where about to come out of his eyes. 

I turned around to make eye contact with Lzyk, who was sitting behind me, and although I could see her hair visibly greying from the stress of her job, she giggled for a minute. I turned around, and thought about skating some more.

"I HAVEN'T BEEN THERE IN 12 YEARS," said the German long hair. He looked like the grandson of the singer from Steppenwolf. He had his phone out, and I thought was talking to someone it, but instead, he was scrolling through facebook. "ANOTHER ONE IS NOT ENOUGH BUT TWO MORE IS TOO MUCH." He noticed that I had turned to look at him, and he asked, "IS THIS THE BUS TO THE AIRPORT?" I nodded. He stared out the window at the sea of shitty tin roofs that are the approach to the airport in Taoyuan. His pupils were so big that I could see them in the window's reflection. No babies were coming out, yet.

He made some other non sequitors, asked me a few more times if THIS IS THE BUS TO THE AIRPORT, each successive time getting more and more passengers to turn around in their seats and look at him (in Taiwan, we don't speak above a whisper on the bus). The last I saw of him, he was trying to check in to the Hello Kitty Eva Airlines section, which is a giant neon pink mock-fuselage with the checkin computers and lots and lots of Hello Kitty paraphenalia. He looked confused, staring at his own reflection in the window, with his backpack at his side. I waved, to see if he needed help, and he waved back. He didn't move though. I hope he gets to where he's going.

I'm more concerned about Lzyk though. She is going to a bad place. I forgot to tell her "don't take no shit from nobody sawty" but I think she already knows not to.